I get asked a lot how I am doing. I don’t know how people expect me to
answer. Sometimes, I feel guilty with
the customary response of “fine,” but I feel like if I say more than that, I
will break down. I feel guilty because
most of the time I am happy, and I wonder if that is okay. But how can I not be happy when I have a
wonderful husband and two amazing little boys who are always making me smile
and laugh. Life has not slowed down a bit
since June. Now this summer of our lives
is over, and we must move forward into a new season. I know that it is going to be fun, but I
still feel guilty. We will pick out and
carve pumpkins, play in leaves, dress in costumes, go on hayrides, eat
Thanksgiving feasts, pick out and decorate a tree for Christmas, visit Santa
and tell him what we want for Christmas this year, and awake on Christmas
morning with joy on our faces. Of
course, she’ll be remembered through all of this, and we will do our best to
include her in our memory making, but I still feel guilty. It’s like we are moving on without her, and
yes, I guess we are. That fact does not
make me a happy mommy. It is like every day
that passes is a day our little girl has missed out on sharing with us. I am very sad about that, and I do not ever
want to forget how much more wonderful our lives would be with her in it. This is just a sadness that I never thought I
would have to live with. In my worst
fears, I thought there was just no way I could do so, but somehow, I guess I
am. I just want Mattie to know that she has
not been forgotten and that she is still a part of us!
I think of you often and am still sending love and prayers. I think "how are you doing is a terrible question". Like you said there is no good answer. I think people ask as their way of saying they are thinking about you. My advice have a few preped answers like. "Doing my best. Thank you for asking" or "As well as possible. Than you for asking". Making good happy memories is an amazing gift for your boys and the best way to honor her memory. So hard, hang in there, you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Megan! That is a good idea. How are you all and the baby doing?
ReplyDeleteWe are doing well. Adjusting to life as a family of 4. Scott lost his job in May so he has been on a job hunt. We are looking in AZ and back east. Maybe we will be neighbors!
ReplyDeleteAwe, that could be pretty awesome...especially if we convince Natalie to move with you! :-) Prayers he'll find the perfect job!
DeleteI know this sounds crazy but I stop to think about Mattie in some form or another just about every day. And wondering how you, Eddie, Evan and Brody are doing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Valerie! Give Cece lots of kisses for Mattie! :-)
DeleteI think it makes total sense that you have moments (and days) of happiness Sherry. You still have two sweet boys and a loving husband. But Mattie won't be forgotten. Don't feel guilty about enjoying life, it's not like you have forgotten her. Love and hugs to you sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend! I guess I just feel like I haven't had a choice, but I guess that is a good thing because I really wouldn't want it any other way. I know I need to keep living and enjoying life with the boys. Love you too!
DeleteI can imagine that is a hard question to answer. But you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Sherry - you all deserve every bit of that happiness! I think you do a great job of carrying Mattie's memories in all that you do. I'm praying for you friend!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, sweet friend! We are definitely trying to keep her memory alive.
DeleteI agree with what everybody here has said. You cannot feel guilty for enjoying life and making happy, sweet memories with the boys. The alternative is that you stay home, be miserable and miss out on life with Evan and Brody. That's not to say that you don't have every right to feel sad and angry, because I think that is normal and healthy as well, but you have to find the balance that will allow you to move forward.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Did any of that make sense?
Perfect sense! Something told me you'd know the right thing to say...maybe because we are so connected, twin. :-)
Delete