Celebrating Mattie's 9th Birthday on the Lake

Our family is trying to get out on the lake at least once a year now which is actually proving to be a challenge due to our kids' crazy schedules.  We did manage to book a boat rental for Mattie's birthday so we knew it would be a special day.  We celebrated with our traditional strawberry shortcake party at home later.  I hope Mattie felt our love on this very special day.  

Mattie,

I know our lives have kept going for us with your five siblings growing up so quickly, and it may seem that we don't have as much time to remember you, but you are always with us and always in our hearts and minds.  Your siblings suffered so much loss, and they added more this year with the loss of our beloved Cocoa.  Brody imagines Cocoa is playing with you in heaven and draws pictures of the scenes.  We still remember and name you in our daily prayer around the dinner table as we thank God for each of our beloved family members, and we feel you with us as your portrait hangs nearby.  We can't believe you would be 9 years old now.  It has almost been a full decade since that fateful day we got to hold you in our arms and had to say goodbye too soon.  As we now watch your little sister grow up, we know we catch glimpses of the girl you would have been.  Maggie is so girly and loves all the fancy dresses, clothes, and shoes.  She loves taking dance and wearing her "tap-tap" shoes and tutu.  As she learns to navigate life with her bilateral BAHA hearing aids, I can imagine how you would have endured these challenges.  I know you would have been just as amazing as she is.  We have two of the most beautiful and special girls in the world, and we are so blessed and thankful.  We will all be together for eternity one day.  Until then, we will continue to remember you.  

With all our hearts, 

Your loving mother and family 

Decorating for your birthday is a privilege.  A birthday banner, birthday balloons, fresh flowers, and your picture adorn our table for the month. 

I always love the way your candles reflect on your picture like they would upon your face if you were here.  

Maggie loved singing to you and helping blow out your candles. 

Your strawberry shortcake was delicious. 

Little brother Grayson was ready for cake. 

And so was Mattox.  He licks his plate clean. 

Your family all together with you. 

Mattox is ready for a day on the boat. 

Brody is enjoying the perfect day on the water.  The sun was shining in a perfect blue sky with white fluffy clouds that wouldn't turn gray and rainy until after our excursion. 

Our boat captain

These boys love the wind in their faces. 

Pretending they are flying like in the movie "Titanic"

Sweet baby brother and sister enjoying the view

Mattox wanted to be safe in his safety vest. 

Sweet handsome boy

All of your siblings enjoying the ride.

Your big brother Brody would have been your biggest fan and best friend and protector. 

Silly girl caught herself in her net. 

Watching Daddy fish.  He doesn't really try to catch much and just shows them how to cast their line.  He usually gets a few small fish to show the boys and throw back.  Later, when the kids have more patience, he can troll out in the middle of the lake for larger fish. For now, the kids love finding little private beaches on the little islands in the middle of the lake.  On busier weekends, these spots can fill up quickly, but we practically had the lake to ourselves this day in the middle of the week.  

They caught one! 

Evan tries some fishing too. 

These boys tried catching something with their net. 

Maggie just loves playing in the water. 

We had originally booked this boat for 2021 and a hurricane cancelled our rental so we had to wait to reschedule.  By this time, they had replaced some of their fleet of boats.  We had planned to have a boat that could pull a float behind, but the newer boats could not do that sadly.  We will do that next time. 

There are even fresh water clams in the lake. 

Our handsome men

Evan enjoyed lounging.

Showing Maggie a fish. 

The girls enjoying the boat ride at the back of the boat in the shade. 

Maggie liked the captain's chair. 

Brody helped drive. 

Silly little sister enjoys her snacks. 

And a comfortable spot in the shade.  

Dear Grieving Mothers on Mother's Day

Mother's Day as a grieving daughter and mother can be hard.  On one hand, I am extremely thankful to God for the precious miracles He has entrusted to me.  On the other hand, I will always feel like an important piece is missing from my life.  I longed for so long to have a "normal" mother daughter relationship.  I was thankful for the mother that God gave me through the miracle of adoption and for the good years we shared together, but the road hasn't always been easy.  I also love being a boy mom, but I longed to have a relationship with a daughter of my own to feel what I never really had with my own biological mother.  I longed to give my own daughter what I never had.  I had a rough life in the beginning in foster and children's homes and finally adopted later in childhood.  After I was married, we decided to start our family and were blessed to have two beautiful, healthy baby boys in 2007 and 2011.  In 2012, we decided to try to have one more in hopes of having a girl.  We were blessed to get pregnant easily and were so excited to find out she was a little girl.  We prepared everything for her...her room, clothes, etc.  Then, after a long and tiring pregnancy while completing my last year of law school and working full time, I finally went into labor at 40 weeks and 6 days.  Labor seemed to progress normally through the day as we monitored my contractions, but when we arrived at the hospital and I was examined, no heartbeat was found.  How could this happen?  Our beautiful baby girl was taken from us just when we thought our dreams would come true.  Over the next five years, I was beyond blessed with two more little baby boys (one a complete surprise) who filled our hearts and home with so much joy.  They were indeed "rainbows" as we refer to them in the loss community.  I won't lie and say there wasn't a tiny bit of disappointment right at the moment I heard "it's a boy" during the ultrasound, but my disappointment disappeared just as quickly because my boys have my whole heart.  They are just amazing!  We thought we were done having babies with four little boys to raise, but in 2018, we got another little surprise blessing.  We were having another little girl!  We finally welcomed our beautiful rainbow daughter in January 2019 in a pretty scary delivery experience when she came a month early and almost died from a placenta abruption.  Her whole pregnancy was my worst, but I am so very thankful for her.  We mothers of angels do not take anything for granted!  I just wish we all could give ourselves some grace and know that others just can never fully comprehend what we feel and that is okay!

My Granny, Grandma, Mom and daughter Mattie are in heaven.

Please know that if you have lost a mother, daughter, beloved grandmother, sister, friend or any person who makes this particular day difficult for you to celebrate, your feelings are completely valid even when others don't understand. Please reach out to me here so I can pray for you and encourage you.

Back to School 2018 {6th and 2nd Grades}

Although technically it was still summer, the big boys had to pack up and head back to school in August.  They were both pretty excited about another school year.  Evan was heading into the 6th grade and his first year of middle school, and Brody was beginning second grade.  I can't believe we already have a middle schooler and seeing Brody progress so much in his reading and writing abilities has really been amazing.  I guess it is just us as parents who will always see our children as babies.  We did all the usual back to school prep and shopping to be ready for the first day.  For elementary age kids these days, they really take a lot of the fun out of shopping for school supplies since they want very specific items that the teacher will compile and divide up with the whole class.  There is no need to buy special pencils, folders, etc. when you don't even know that your child will end up with them.  Sigh.  We did go the easy route with Brody this year and just ordered his supplies through the school.  Evan does get to pick his own supplies now, but he really did not need much.  At least we don't need to buy hand sanitizer, tissues and all those miscellaneous supplies anymore that are requested in elementary school.  Haha!  Here are the customary back to school pictures:

Our first middle schooler!  Evan wanted all Underarmor gear this year since that is the popular brand for boys these days.  

A little comparison of all of Evan's previous first day of school pictures.  I can't believe we completed elementary school!

We went to tour the school and find his classes a few weeks before since we wouldn't be able to walk him into school on the first day.  He was really excited about trying band.  

We were just hanging out in the halls, and Brody didn't want to be seen with us so he pouted in the corner.  Haha! 

Brody's silly faces on the first day of school. 

Super excited for 2nd grade. 

He's ready for another year of school. 

Just a peek at how much he has changed since he started school in 2016. 

Brody enjoyed finding his classroom on meet the teacher night.  

Walking the red "carpet" on the first day. 

We did get a few more pictures on the first day of Brody since we could still walk with him. 

The school has a different theme every year, and this year's was all about "Wonder" with quotes from the book painted on the walls. 

Brody found his desk and started his word search right away. 

This year, we should have a third child venturing off to school.  Since Mattie turned 5 in June, I have been sad that she wouldn't be here to start kindergarten.  I wonder what she would have looked like, what she would have worn, what kind of bookbag she would have wanted, and how excited she would have been.  We still miss all of those milestones we should be celebrating with our beautiful baby girl.  We love you, Mattie!