Dear Grieving Mothers on Mother's Day

Mother's Day as a grieving daughter and mother can be hard.  On one hand, I am extremely thankful to God for the precious miracles He has entrusted to me.  On the other hand, I will always feel like an important piece is missing from my life.  I longed for so long to have a "normal" mother daughter relationship.  I was thankful for the mother that God gave me through the miracle of adoption and for the good years we shared together, but the road hasn't always been easy.  I also love being a boy mom, but I longed to have a relationship with a daughter of my own to feel what I never really had with my own biological mother.  I longed to give my own daughter what I never had.  I had a rough life in the beginning in foster and children's homes and finally adopted later in childhood.  After I was married, we decided to start our family and were blessed to have two beautiful, healthy baby boys in 2007 and 2011.  In 2012, we decided to try to have one more in hopes of having a girl.  We were blessed to get pregnant easily and were so excited to find out she was a little girl.  We prepared everything for her...her room, clothes, etc.  Then, after a long and tiring pregnancy while completing my last year of law school and working full time, I finally went into labor at 40 weeks and 6 days.  Labor seemed to progress normally through the day as we monitored my contractions, but when we arrived at the hospital and I was examined, no heartbeat was found.  How could this happen?  Our beautiful baby girl was taken from us just when we thought our dreams would come true.  Over the next five years, I was beyond blessed with two more little baby boys (one a complete surprise) who filled our hearts and home with so much joy.  They were indeed "rainbows" as we refer to them in the loss community.  I won't lie and say there wasn't a tiny bit of disappointment right at the moment I heard "it's a boy" during the ultrasound, but my disappointment disappeared just as quickly because my boys have my whole heart.  They are just amazing!  We thought we were done having babies with four little boys to raise, but in 2018, we got another little surprise blessing.  We were having another little girl!  We finally welcomed our beautiful rainbow daughter in January 2019 in a pretty scary delivery experience when she came a month early and almost died from a placenta abruption.  Her whole pregnancy was my worst, but I am so very thankful for her.  We mothers of angels do not take anything for granted!  I just wish we all could give ourselves some grace and know that others just can never fully comprehend what we feel and that is okay!

My Granny, Grandma, Mom and daughter Mattie are in heaven.

Please know that if you have lost a mother, daughter, beloved grandmother, sister, friend or any person who makes this particular day difficult for you to celebrate, your feelings are completely valid even when others don't understand. Please reach out to me here so I can pray for you and encourage you.

Mother's Day 2018

Mother's Day is always a special day to spend together.  I cherish the title of mother/mom/mommy more than anything in the world, and I am just honored to be the mommy of so many precious babies.  My boys always make me feel like the most loved mother in the world.  We had a simple day of attending church, eating lunch together, and going home to rest and play. 

Pictures are always a must.  My sweet big boys each wanted to write a message for me. 

And oh how I love these precious little rainbow babies.  

Proud mommy to five precious babies. 

Our official church picture.  Well all but two of us were smiling so that ain't bad. 

Mommy got a little sweet treat at church.  Brody decided to try a jalapeno at lunch.  Haha! 

The boys played with bubbles in the yard when we got home. 

This sweet baby just wanted to play with Cocoa's dirty ball.  

And I just want to remember the mothers that I can't see or talk to anymore here on earth, my Granny, my Grandma, and my Mom.  I also miss my sweet little Mattie everyday and especially on these special days. 

Saying goodbye!

This week has been so busy with work and two law school finals that I haven't had the opportunity to devote time to doing a special post about a very important person and event.  Monday morning (Brody's birthday actually), the week started out on a pretty sad note.  Although we were prepared for the news, it still didn't make that early phone call any easier.  I knew something had happened when my cell phone rang at 7:30 a.m. as my dad had been in California with his very sick mother for the last week and, of course, they are several hours behind us so it was still very early there.  I couldn't reach the phone in time because of the difficulty of rolling out of bed these days, but I immediately called my dad back.  His voice was pretty shaky as I knew he was having difficulty talking as he tried to tell me of Grandma's passing.  It was all pretty quick as she had been really sick only a few weeks but gradually just getting weaker and weaker.  At first, she was just battling a bad case of pneumonia but had to go to the hospital.  Then, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Yes, my Grandma has been a smoker all her life so although it wasn't entirely unexpected, it was still hard to hear.  We are thankful she didn't develop this illness until very late in life though.  She had started smoking in her younger years to help cope with more difficult life and family circumstances, and it was just a part of who she was.  In some ways, I guess it helped her cope and be a stronger woman.  She was always courteous about it to us and the kids and only smoked outside.  It had become increasingly difficult on her in later years with the increasing ban on smoking in most locations (California is especially hard on smokers).  But she continued to live and enjoy her life in the only way she knew.  I can remember summers when she would come to visit when I was younger.  Those lazy summer days were pretty much just ours while my parents worked.  We would hang out around the house talking, walking around the yard, or visiting my Granny who lived down the road.  She really loved my Granny too, and they got along great as they both loved talking about growing beautiful flowers and working in the yard.  She was a friend to me.  She made the trip for my wedding and then again about a year or so later to visit with Eddie and I at our first home together.  She also got to meet my niece, Emma, the oldest of my dad's grandchildren, as a baby.  She didn't get to come out for a few years after that, but we took Evan to meet her in 2010.  That was the most amazing trip!  We got to celebrate her 85th birthday with her as well as do a lot of sightseeing.  She was still feeling sprightly enough to trek across the country again to see us just last summer at 87.  She also recently made a trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my Uncle Floyd to see his new condo.  Her last year was definitely not void of excitement!  In March, she celebrated her 88th birthday, but her energy was beginning to go down fast as she suffered from the pneumonia and lung problems and just couldn't eat or keep her strength up.  She was put into a nursing facility for a week or so but was able to go home and be with her family in her last days.  All of her children were able to be with her despite them all being scattered across the country.  We are just so blessed to have known this beautiful lady, and she will be so missed!

This is the picture of my Grandma that sits in our living room beside the picture of my Granny and a picture of Eddie's Grandmother Mattie and Grandpa Hudson.  When I sat this picture on the table to photograph it, Brody came up and was looking at it and then blew a kiss to it.  Melt my heart!  Could he really remember a lady he only met once when he was barely a year old?  Oh, I wish it was so!  

I love that my Grandma, Aunt Lorraine, Aunt Louise, and cousins Steph and Terri all came out for my wedding.  I hadn't been able to see most of them in many years because of the great distance between NC and California so it was truly a special day.  

Grandma and Evan meet ~ 2010

So many family were able to be together to celebrate this special day.  Grandma was so happy.  I hate that this picture had turned out so dark, but it was twilight outside so lighting was poor.  

Grandma's 85th birthday party in 2010

Evan loved helping Great-Grandma open her presents!

Yes, it was pretty much love at first sight!  I haven't seen her this crazy about a little boy since her grandson, Ryan.  :-) 

So thankful she came out to visit us one last time last summer.  All of these babies loved her! 

Me and my sweet, beautiful Grandma of 87. 

She also loved this not so little man. 

And sweet little Miss Cate too. 

We hope you enjoy your new home, Grandma!  I had hoped to celebrate your 90th birthday with you, but I know you'll have a fantastic celebration in heaven.  I love you bunches!