To My Dearest Brody

Some words that I have needed to express to you have been weighing on my heart the past two years since we lost your sister.  I know that you may not understand now, but I want you to read this in your future and know how very much your precious heart has meant to me.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  You have such a special and loving heart.  Your big brother does as well, but he is also very sensitive and often hides his feelings in order to protect himself.  I can see the hurt in his eyes although he doesn't often express it.  You are a bit different in your younger, more innocent way of showing love.  I wish you would never lose that innocence.  When you were barely 18 months old, we announced to you and your big brother that you would soon have a baby sister.  The joy and excitement on your little face just made my heart swell with happiness.

At the time, I didn't know if it was more excitement over the balloons and big box they came out of or over the announcement of your sister's coming, but in the months and now years that have passed, I see that it was truly excitement and anticipation.  I watched you love on the little baby doll that we gave you to help you understand and prepare for the new baby.  You would hold her, kiss her, and try to feed her a bottle with so much love on your little face.

In the last days before your sister was to be born, you would lovingly place your baby doll in the car seat that we had ready for your sister.  You weren't yet verbally speaking, but you showed us in so many ways how happy and excited you were.  On that fateful day when your sister was born into this world as an angel, you did not understand the situation.  All you saw was a baby...your baby.  You wanted to lay beside her, kiss her, and love her.  You didn't understand that she wouldn't be coming home with us.  You knew that your home was ready for her, and that she already had your old room and crib set up for her.  The look on your face showed that you were truly happy and excited.  You didn't know why we were all sad and crying.  Evan's sad face really hurt me, but for some reason, the one picture that I have of you laying beside your sister with a huge grin on your face just breaks my heart.

I could never bring myself to share that picture before.  It just hurt so much because I wanted to give you what you had so lovingly and patiently waited for.  In the days that followed her death, I assumed you would forget all about her even though her pictures are all around your house.  I thought you were so young that you wouldn't remember a baby you never got to really know.  Now, two years later, we have a very expressive little four year old boy, and it just makes my heart swell even more that you still mention your sister almost every day.  You are the one that mentions her name to us the most when it seems like the rest of us cannot speak her name as often because we don't want to be sad.  You tell me that Mattie is in your heart and that you are going to do things for her like make her a birthday card or a cake.  You have been such a comfort to me in these last two years, and I know I have babied you more than most three and four year old's would like.  I still need to hold you and cuddle you because you were the baby I needed when I couldn't bring your sister home.  It is very hard for me to put into words just how much you have meant to me.  You give me so many scares with your fearlessness.  I have almost nightly nightmares about something bad happening to you.  You send my anxiety levels through the roof!  But I love you more than words could ever express!  You will always be my baby boy!  I hope you never lose your amazing ability to love.  As we celebrate Mattie's second birthday in heaven, I know that you will help us show your sister how much we all love and remember her!

Love always,
Your grateful Mommy