They say that there are 5 stages of Grief that people go through when they lose a child unexpectedly or a loved one.
They are
1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
The loss of my baby girl Mattie has impacted my family and me in ways that you could not imagine. I feel that I have stopped on the Anger step of Grief. I am angry at the Devil for taking my Mattie away, angry at the Doctor for not listening to our concerns which led to our loss, angry at myself for not being the emotional pillar for Sherry these last 3 months. I am just angry and it has affected my family life by not allowing me to show Sherry how much I too miss our daughter and long for her to be here with us. Losing a child puts strains on a marriage that are tough and I have not been able to step up to the challenge due to my own grief. I feel I am letting Sherry down and letting Mattie down. I have built a wall between Sherry and I that I know I need to tear down. I know that Mattie is with Jesus laughing and giggling and playing with her heart full of love. I feel that everyday she is watching me and disappointed in me. It is a feeling that leaves me sick to my stomach some days. Sherry uses our blog to help express her pain and love for Mattie. She has been reading great blogs from her friends that are up lifting to her because they have gone through what she is going through. Sherry is a great role model that I can take note of and try to be more like her. Since it is hard for me to express my feelings in words and emotions sometimes I thought that it is time I start writing posts to help me deal with my pain and loss and to help me better connect with Sherry.
Anger is defined as a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad :
the feeling that makes someone want to hurt other people, to shout, etc. : the
feeling of being angry.
I feel like shouting but don't, I feel like punching the wall but don't. I am keeping all of this anger inside and it is tearing my relationship apart from the inside out. I pray for God's help, I pray that I don't disappoint my wife and Mattie but I feel that I do everyday. I have been lacking in providing spiritual leadership for my family for a long time. I feel God move in my life everyday. He is trying to move me past my anger, but I just can't yet. Our sermons at church speak to me and have been spiritually fulfilling, but I am stuck in my anger. I need prayer for me, prayer that I will let God heal my heart, prayer that I can heal the pain I have caused Sherry for being so distant these last three months and not supporting her, and prayer that God will help me to be the husband, father and spiritual leader my family needs and deserves from this point forward.
My Dearest Mattie,
My beautiful daughter I ache for you daily. I know you know the love and pain that I feel from you not being here and I hope that you will help God to guide me as my Guardian Angel; to being a better husband to your Mommy and a better father to you and your brothers. I love you now and forever!
My Dearest Mattie,
My beautiful daughter I ache for you daily. I know you know the love and pain that I feel from you not being here and I hope that you will help God to guide me as my Guardian Angel; to being a better husband to your Mommy and a better father to you and your brothers. I love you now and forever!
Love, Daddy
I wish there was a way to go back in time and change everything. My heart just aches for y'all. I wonder each and every day how families like yours are able to pick up the pieces and start over after such a devastating tragedy.
ReplyDeleteEddie,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I just wanted to let you know that I pray for ya'll's family often. And I also wanted to let you know that a little over 3 years ago, my husband and I went through the pain of having a miscarriage. Within a couple of weeks of finding out we were expecting for the 4th time, we were given the terrible news. Please know, that in no way am I considering what we went through any thing close to what you and Sherry have endured. The depths of pain you all have had to face is not something my heart has an understanding of. I've been a little reluctant to share that, because I didn't want you all to think in any way that I was equating that, to what you all have been through. But just to share with you all, when it happened, we were heart broken. It was a time that was very tough on us too, because my husband wanted to find ways to 'make it better.' He's always thought his job as a huband and a dad was to fix things. This time, he simply couldn't. The truth was, that there wasn't anything that he could do to take away the hurt that we both felt. The things that helped the most is when we would pray together, when he held me when I cried, when he would listen, and when we would listen to the song Held by Natalie Grant or I Will Carry You by Selah together. The rest was up to the Lord. And eventually, we both came to a place where we felt like we could breathe again. Our healing came when we let go of all of the unanswered questions we had - we just realized, we won't know all of the answers on this side of Glory. To think of all that awaits us one day is overwhelming. I just wanted to add too, that I thought that if I held on to the pain of our loss, that that some how showed my endearing love. But what I've come to find is that whether my heart feels joy or pain, the love is always still there.
Praying for your family,
Tracy
Thank you, Tracy! I think Eddie has a similar fix it mind set, and since he can't fix it, he thought it was better to not say anything because he thought it would just stir up my sad feelings. What he didn't understand is that I needed to know that he was feeling what I was feeling because he is the only one who can. He is trying, but it has always been harder for him to use words. I think he'll appreciate reading this as he hasn't really had a chance to connect with other men who have experienced such a loss. Love ya!
DeleteThanks Tracy. Sherry is right. I haven't had the opportunity to talk with other men who have experienced what I am going through. Most men like me just deal with it alone and end up drifting away from their wives who are going through the same thing just begging to know that they are not alone. I think that is why a lot of marriages end abruptly after the death of a child. The two are dealing with the same grief and not leaning on each other for that support.
DeleteEddie -- My heart is breaking for you as I read this post. I wish I had better words for you but I don't. I just wish you didn't feel like you were letting people down. This is a hard road you are walking and you need to give yourself some grace. And the first step to dealing with your feelings is talking (or writing) about them and you have already done that. I will continue to hold you in my prayers and you grieve Mattie and continue on this journey.
ReplyDelete