Thursday, February 28, 2013

Sometimes Kids SHOULD feel bad - Interesting Read

So I admit I have felt guilty on many numerous occasions for speaking harshly to my children when correcting them.  I am disappointed in Evan when he doesn't try his best because I know his potential, and I want to see him use it.  Of course, I love to praise my children when they do something really well, but I don't want them to think that they are always entitled to be praised for mediocre work.  Evan has a tendency now to rush through his school work, and he is needing that extra push to slow down and do the work more carefully so he doesn't make careless errors.  After all, attention to detail is important!  It can be the difference between that A and a mediocre C.  The world today tends to teach us parents that we must never be critical of our kids because we'll ruin their self-esteem.  Kids today seem to be growing up with this attitude that they can do no wrong and are entitled to praise and rewards even for mediocre work (or no work at all).  I wasn't raised that way, and I don't want my children to be.  This article that was sent in my monthly e-mail publication from Brody's preschool just really helped reiterate these facts for me.  A good read for all parents so I am sharing:

Sometimes Kids SHOULD feel bad 
By:  John Rosemond


Before mental health professionals built the Tower of Parent-Babble, when common sense rule the rearing of children, parents held children accountable for their behavior.  They taught children the universal accountability principle: For every choice, there is a consequence. Good choices bring good consequences and bad choices, bad ones.  Parents also understood, however, that life in the real world wasn’t exactly that simple. A person must make a lot of good choices over a relatively long period of time to reap the rewards of his efforts, but a bad choice is usually punished immediately.  Therefore, parents (and teachers) usually didn’t make a big deal over the good choices a child made.  They simply encouraged him to make more of the same. But when the child made a bad choice, look out.

Today’s parents, by contrast, have been told by the keepers of the Tower of Parent-Babble that they are responsible for making their children feel good about themselves. This is accomplished by making big deals over the good things-nay, even mediocre things- children do, as in, “Oh, Bubba! I like it so much when you flush the toilet after using it! You’re such a special little fella! Yes, you are!”  Because you can’t make children feel good by making them feel bad, parents are not, under any circumstances, to make them feel bad about anything. And when they do (by mistake, of course, probably because they themselves had a bad day), they are to make up for it by performing extraordinary acts of compensation.  I keep seeing a certain poster in schools around the country. It reads: “For every time you say something negative to your child, praise him/her 10 times.”  When I see this poster, I think, “Babble.” What is wrong with telling a child who’s wronged someone else that he ought to be ashamed of himself, or that you won’t accept a piece of second-rate work, or that he’s in need of an emergency attitude adjustment?

In the real world, of course, there’s nothing wrong with any of this. Every real-world parent knows there are times when its necessary to make statements of this sort to children, sometimes even followed by punishment.

“But, John, don’t statements along those lines hurt a child’s feelings?”  Well, yes, they do. But inflicting temporary hurt to a child’s feelings and destroying the child psychologically are entirely different. A social conscience cannot develop without occasionally causing a child psychic pain, as in shame, embarrassment and remorse.  Please don’t exaggerate what I am saying. I’m not talking about causing children to loathe themselves, but rather to view themselves with humility.  To develop humility, a child must come to grips with penance and atonement. The spiritually mature adult, when he does something wrong, will impose penance upon himself and prescribe appropriate means of atonement.  But a child is not spiritually mature; therefore, it is rare that a child, after doing something wrong, will voluntarily impose and prescribe these things upon himself. They must be imposed on him by adults.  Unfortunately- and largely because of the keepers of the tower have confused the realities of child rearing and replace them with the mythology of “progressive parenting”- there is today a dearth of parents who fully accept this responsibility.

In the same schools where hangs the above poster, teacher and principals told me that many if not most of today’s children refuse to accept responsibility for their misbehavior, feel they should be rewarded for any work, no matter how mediocre, and are generally self-absorbed and disrespectful.  I rest my case.

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12 comments:

  1. True. So many teenagers have this sense of entitlement...(as do so many of their parents) they expect everything to be given to them, and they have an excuse for everything. I know this may sound ugly but your post reminded me of one of those ecards on facebook.
    "I am afraid of a world ran by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies for participating"
    Our children are gifts and we are to raise them as unto the Lord. There are consequences to our actions and correct discipline is key. The Lord disciplines us as we live for Him.... "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline." Proverbs 13:24
    So glad that the Lord loves me!!

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    1. I've seen that e-card, Piper, and it totally applies here. It is a big responsibility raising a child, and God has given us careful instructions on the proper way to do it to help us. I wish more people would heed His wisdom because this world is becoming quite a mess, and I think improper parenting is a big reason for that. Hope you are having a great day, friend!

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    2. A friend of mine is a foster parent to two precious children which are brother & sister, and unfortunately, neither of the parents are willing to do what it takes to get their children back. Sad situation. On top of that they have different fathers and the mother doesn't know who the father is of the other. I see those babies and it breaks my heart. What is even sadder, when my friend has to go to court, their are 25 or more cases just like that. In this particular case, the grandparents are not taking any responsibility for the situation either. Yes, our world is quite the mess..... Have a great weekend!

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  2. What a great post! It's so true. I think sometimes parents forget that they are supposed to "train up a child."

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    1. Yes, this publication just hit me this morning after I had been feeling so guilty about constantly having to get onto my children lately. It helped me understand that scolding and disciplining does not make me a bad parent at all and that although my sensitive child may get his feelings temporarily hurt, it will actually make him a better and more humble person. Of course, I already knew the importance of discipline, but sometimes the reminder helps. :-)

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  3. I just wrote a post on entitlement myself. It's something everyone should step back and think about.

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    1. Yes, Annabelle, I read your post, and I am pretty sure I left an approving comment. :-)

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  4. I can soooo totally see this. That's one thing I think is wrong with the world and kids today. I mean don't abuse them, but they do need to know right from wrong and take responsibility when they do wrong. In school, my teachers said, I don't "give" you a grade. You earn it. Totally agree! btw totally off subject but I heard Obama wants to take it to a pass or fail system. If you do that, will the kid want to achieve higher?

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    1. Ha! Yeah, that kind of sounds like an Obama thing...rewards for doing nothing at all! ;-)

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  5. oh and I've heard people who are for the pass/fail system. Ok I"m done now :)

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    1. Ugh, yeah let's just stop rewarding hard work and accomplishment altogether and see where that gets us...we'll definitely be a nation full of bums then. :-(

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  6. I totally agree that we are raising our kids today with no work ethic and a huge sense of entitlement. I really try not to do that with my kids. Other parents have said that I'm too strict but I feel like my kids need to learn that "'No' means 'No' and not 'I'll change my mind if you change your attitude' or 'Maybe.'"

    I just pray that my kids will turn out okay despite the society of entitlement they are growing up in.

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