These thoughts were on my mind today as I sat feeding my sweet baby girl. Our baby girl Maggie was born at almost 35 weeks with some minor complications from prematurity and genetic issues, namely a very mild cleft palate in the back of her mouth. Her cleft palate just prevents her from being able to nurse effectively so she had to learn to use a special bottle that did not require her to use as much suction. For me, nursing was not just a means of feeding my babies but also an important means of bonding with them. I was so sad I would not have this experience with Maggie and worried that we would not be able to bond as closely. I didn't get to hold my baby girl the first day of her life as she was whisked away to NICU and then she was on monitors in the incubator and receiving IV fluids, oxygen, and later blue light therapy for a slight case of jaundice. At first, I didn't know how severe any of her conditions were, and it is so scary seeing your baby like this.
I longed to hold her in my arms but was scared of hurting her. The next day, I finally had the opportunity. I was so nervous, but I also desperately wanted to connect with her. It was hard to hold her close with cords and monitors hooked to her. She was being fed through a feeding tube at the time so I didn't have the connection of feeding her. The next day, I arrived to find she had regressed slightly to needing the blue light therapy and worried it was because I had held her the previous day. My husband finally had an opportunity to hold her that day, but the next day, we needed to let her stay under the blue light so that hopefully she would overcome the jaundice more quickly. Thankfully, by five days old, she had progressed so beautifully, she was off of everything, including the blue light, IV fluids, and even the incubator warming bed. We were so excited and hoped to soon bring her home. I was able to hold her as long as I could stay in the NICU but that still wasn't enough. I couldn't stay all day and night and during nurse shift changes. I also still hadn't fed Maggie. We finally tried feeding her a bottle, and I got her to take most of her first bottle feeding. I feel that feeding a baby by breast or bottle is an important bonding time. Babies need to trust the person feeding them. Even though Maggie learned quickly to use the bottle for me, other nurses would not have success because they were not familiar with Maggie or her special needs. Maggie did not know them and, thus, did not feel safe with them. I became frustrated that I was not allowed to stay more to handle her feedings. I thought my baby would come home within a week since she had progressed so well, but days turned into weeks. At about 3 weeks old, Maggie had regressed in her feedings from being confused by so many different hands trying to feed her. She quit taking the bottle even for me for a few days. I finally got my baby to take the bottle again for me, and I refused to leave her. I demanded as kindly as I could that we be put into a room where I could stay with her and that was finally accomplished. My baby girl was ready to come home four days later just before she was four weeks old! I knew in my heart this was because she thrived on her mother's love. Babies need to feel spiritually nourished as well as physically nourished. They need to feel safe and loved, and the most natural place for that is in a mother's loving arms.
As my baby is now a healthy and thriving five month old, I sit feeding her a bottle with these grateful thoughts in my heart. Maggie often does not want to take her bottle unless she can see my face now. She needs to know I am there with her. I do not know what would have happened to her if I had not fought to stay with her and attempted to handle her feedings. I know that there are many babies born every day who do not know the love of a mother and babies who do not thrive in the NICU because they do not receive this basic love. Babies know when they are abandoned, and their health shows it. Now, I am not saying that love has to come from a biological mother or father. In absence of that connection, babies can develop that same connection to another loving caretaker. I am a huge supporter of adoption! I was adopted although as a much older child. My biological mother did want me and try her best to care for me and for that I am truly thankful. When she could not care for me because of mental illness, I am also thankful that a loving couple chose to become my parents. Motherhood is always a choice. Even though we give birth to a child, we still may not choose to be mothers. We have to make the conscious decision to care for our children and put their needs above our own. It is a sacrifice. When my heart thinks of any baby born into this world who is abandoned and left cold and alone and not cared for, my heart breaks. No child deserves that treatment! We are all born innocent and full of potential. A friend recently posted a sad story of an infant found abandoned in the woods. People who lived nearby actually heard its tiny cries and were able to save it, but it could have ended so much worse and often does. I just can't imagine what a tiny infant thinks and feels as it is left lying cold, alone, and hungry. I do know that a baby does feel. It feels joy and comfort, and it feels pain. My only consolation to those babies who lose their lives by being abandoned without ever knowing a loving touch is that they are immediately in the arms of Jesus in heaven and awake to never know pain, sadness, hunger, or any discomfort ever again. I don't know why I wrote this post except that I needed to get these words written before they were lost forever. My heart is so full of love for my own babies, but it cries and bleeds for the motherless babies born everyday. No babies deserve to be unloved!
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