Dear Papa

[Inspired by the movie and book The Shack.]

I know you are described as a father to the fatherless.  Will you also be a mother to the motherless?  I feel as if I have been denied the love of both.  I know I have been angry with you.  I wanted to blame someone for my loss and pain.  Being denied parents and then the daughter I wanted to know so desperately was just more than I could bear alone.  But I pushed you away again and again.  You sought me out.  Sometimes I did try to listen and to speak back to you, but the words would get all jumbled up.  I failed time and time again as my anger, sadness, and resentment kept me from seeing you.  I want to see you, walk with you, talk with you, and receive comfort from you.  I want to feel the peace of forgiveness and a clear mind.  I know you love me as I love my own children.  I want to sit and talk as father and child telling you everything in my heart.  But I am ashamed of so much in my heart.  My angry outbursts towards my precious husband and babies when I am really just angry at myself.  I feel like I have barely been treading water for years.  I am so tired of doing it alone.  I want to walk on water with you.  I want to cry all of my tears onto your shoulder and have you dry them all away.  I want to feel you loving me especially.  I know that you are good and that evil does not come from you.  I know that sin and death are not from you.  I know that you did not take Mattie from me but that she is alive and perfect and happy with you.  I want to be with you and her.  I want all of my children to know you and be with you.  You are my friend and my father! 

Love,
Your Daughter