How can you help a loved one suffering from losing a child?

It has been less than 4 months since the terrible night our little one left us.  Many may think I “write too much about her,” but I can’t help it.  Like it or not, she’s a part of our family, and this is about our family. For us, a big part of our healing is in remembering her.  Suffering from the loss of any child is hard, and I offer these tips, from my own experience, to you for how I feel you could help a loved one going through a similar loss: 

1)  Sympathize and Empathize - Don't just say you are sorry but truly try putting yourself in his or her shoes.  I sympathize with anyone who has suffered a miscarriage at any stage, but I also think our pain is a bit different just like I think it is likely harder to lose an older baby or child who you have known and loved longer in life.  I don't think the hurt is necessarily more or less, but I think there are differing levels and types of pain.  I still have the evidence of our daughter on my body as well as in my heart.  The sight of my “stretch marks” sometimes make me want to break down in tears because they remind me of her.  Don’t be afraid you will “stir up bad memories” by offering your love and support at this time because chances are good your loved one really does need to hear it. 

2)  Continue to offer help and encouragement in the months ahead - I have felt that after the first month or two, the messages of love and sympathy dwindled to basically nothing.  I have reached out the best I can to friends and family for comfort, but what is there to say?  Do people think I am too needy?  The offers to “help out” never materialized for us.  The only food that was brought was from my work and my sister-in-law.  Eddie and I have basically felt about as alone as any two people can feel.  My advice is to make a definitive plan to help and just do it.  Plan to take the kids for a night if you can so the couple can have a much needed break and time alone together or maybe give the couple a gift certificate for a dinner out.  Chances are pretty good that your effort will be appreciated and much needed.    

3)  Don’t tell or act like your loved one should just move on and that he or she should not bring up their little one - Our kids basically just have us so we’ve had no choice but to “move on.”  I don’t think anyone can say we haven’t “moved on,” but I guess the world thinks it is already time for us to forget her as well.  We have two boys.  She was our only little girl.  Our house and hearts were ready for her arrival.  We may never have another daughter.  She will never be replaced.  I carried her for over 9 months so how could I just forget her in less time than that?  I only got to hold her for a little while, and I can already barely remember the feeling of her in my arms.  In my opinion, people who lose their little ones need to talk about them.  They need to know the world won’t just forget them.  Yes, there is a special day (yesterday) that was made to honor and remember them, but I didn’t see too many signs in my corner of the world that people did remember.  It just made me feel more alone than ever. 

To the friends who do care and do show it (you know who you are), I love you dearly, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there for us no matter how far apart we may be.  I want to be like you to others!  May God bless you all!